Kay Entry
The heel of her glossy teal shoes sank into the grass. Her eyes moved from one stone to the next as they walked. Dates and names formed a tornado as they swirled around in her mind. His fingers tugged her to keep going. She wanted to ask, but she knew from the quiver in his touch that he was excited about where he was taking her. Her eyes were reading 1819- 1851 when her nose bumped his shoulder. She stepped to the left of him to see why he stopped. Looking down at the tombstone, she found the Jensen’s names, birth, and death dates written together. June 5, 2010 was written as both Boyd and Debora's death date. Underneath it was written: “Fifty years married, but together forever and ever.”
Response:
I like that you tried to change the tone by changing the scene where we usually think of ‘forever and ever’ being said and thought. I think that you lose some of that shock factor of the graveyard by having the text end in this romantic moment where this dead couple stays together. Maybe if you made the female character a little more frightened and less willing to follow her partner it would make it even more toned down. Also how could you show his excitement? What about his walk and the quiver in his finger make her know how he is feeling? I think there is a lot of potential in this piece because of how specific and the unavailable writing fodder you have from this scene you constructed.
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